Dwelling

“The Fix” online magazine published Sept 25 , 2014

Parsing with Anonymity
Parsing: to analyze something to discover its implications or uncover a deeper meaning.

I love and agree with the language of empowerment concept found in the New Recovery Advocacy Movement. I myself have been drug and alcohol free since 1999 (with one 4 month slip in 2008) and I am very comfortable sharing that too. We do need to reframe our messages in order to raise awareness and stop the shaming.

Anyway, I lived with a good friend (Joe) for years. He still struggles mightily for his sobriety and currently is in a very good long term program. Yet I find myself telling lies to nosey people that ask about him. I can live with that for now because I agree that the change is going to have to come about by planting seeds in subtle ways.

Should my friend reach a point in his recovery where he is comfortable with others knowing his situation…it would be a lesser thing. But, it is his story and if he wishes his privacy respected that is his right. Equally true is that many addicts are not comfortable sharing because they know it’s like handing ammunition to very ignorant and self- righteous people. Still I find myself hell-bent on raising awareness about the disease of addiction where I can, when I can.

For example: My nosiest of neighbors shockingly developed several very serious cancer tumors…scary, scary stuff. She even apologized to me for the bad-mouthing she’d done about Joe…in a back handed way… “I only told you those things about Joe a few months ago because he bad-mouths you…you know.”
“For God sakes,” I tell her, “don’t you know by now that when people act out it’s because they’re feeling bad about their own selves?”
She did then mellow it out.

A few weeks later I invited to ride with me in an art parade. I knew it would be a thrill for her and I need to model right behavior too. I was impressed that she refrained from asking about Joe. I have had to shut her down hard on this topic many times before and still she goes on. But… she is fighting for her life in a different way and really willing to try to learn everything she can to live right too.

So then on the ride home from the parade, we got to chit-chatting about my case management job. Somewhere in there, I touched on the harm reduction model as it pertains to addiction, etc…how developing the trusting and nurturing relationship is one thing and then to know when and where to still be able to intercede enough to offer hope that doesn’t come off like some placating idiom… is another.

Well, with all the sanctimonious gusto she is famous for, she went right to the “but isn’t that enabling?”
Okay so now we are squared off right where she loves to go and I found myself telling her, “Enabling’s not even a word anymore. It’s about not shaming them further.”
Wow.” She goes, “enabling’s not a word anymore? I didn’t know that!”

See…I’m writing this whole article because I don’t want to burn in hell for lying. There’s an excellent chance I pulled that one out on a dime… because I’d recently read Bill White’s Rendezvous with Hope article where he implied we have evolved through that stage now and we realize we need to offer hope more than anything else.
She stumbled around more trying to keep it going because historically she has thrived on this type of topic to feed her unconscious need to gossip for one thing but also does want to try to understand on a certain level, too. I was able to just wrap it up then by defining loving compassion for her with the example of a man passed out drunk. You have a choice. You can kick him or put a blanket over him.

She accepted that and I was happy to learn that I have the ability to put boundaries around others nosiness. But this is still such a treacherous area to navigate. Tonight is National Night out with a party on every block and I’m not going to go…because I don’t really know what to say when they ask about Joe.

– Jolene Jones author of Dwelling a memoir about addiction and recovery
http://www.Jolenejones111.com

“The Fix” online magazine published this on 4/12/2017

So…Tough Love

Watching him stagger three sheets to the wind… down the middle of the street… in broad daylight; yapping on his broken cellphone to go meet a whore in the park around the corner was as good of a reason as any for me to do some tough love. My emotional pain level so high now I can only operate in resoluteness. Plus, it was on a day I had time to change the keys on my smart locks, pack up his stuff and get it in the garage. (I knew I wasn’t going to ever have the guts to call the cops to get him out of the house.)

I have tried as much harm reduction as I know to do (and Al-anon for years, too.) I always remember reading the meditation stating no matter what… it ends up that some do stay together regardless of what has happened because they do love each other. Yep! The question of course is always….where is that line between enabling and empowering?

I understand that goals other than abstinence are reasonable…housing is a big one for sure to allow them the comfort level they need to work through other issues. People do need to learn what non toxic skills provide inner calmness when life hands highs that are too high and lows that are too low. And… they need people to just listen to them. I am ranting I know here but its a process that takes a lot of time because to make good habits requires that it be done over and over. “Change is not a passive experience.” Yet, not only does the person have to want it…they have to believe it is possible for them first.

But I digress from my story here. A few days after the big lock-out of course comes the big bad drunk text. “How sick I am”, “ never try to contact him or figure out where he’s staying” and whatever, whatever, “Love Joe.”

Well, even though I thoroughly enjoy the television off and the fresher air; I grieve his absence and it is ongoing. I lay awake at night absolutely wrestling with the devil over this. Should I think about him again. Should I just start dating again? Should I this, should I that? How can I lose 40 lbs as fast as possible?
Then God gets a hold of me and reminds me that he is in control and that this is a lesson. So I feel happy and grateful. I just need to take care of me and God will do the rest. I am sixty years old so I’ve been around this disease for a long, long time. I love Joe but he really has to figure out how to get a grip on his addictions for himself.

I can’t even write this article without using good binge of sugar to power through it. (It’s like my clients telling me they have to take Adderall to mow a lawn.) Still I’m curious, how many readers have actually had to throw a loved one out and what were the results? Joe and I have not been “boyfriend/girlfriend” since 2009 and have just lived together on and off since then. …see my book “Dwelling”…but I gotta tell you…this hurts.

I knew better than to let him rent a room from me a few years ago (when I attempted to start a sober house,) (but the house itself needed a lot of work and I knew he would do it.) Numerous treatments have not proved sufficient for Joe’s drug and alcohol problem. And…I still struggle with my own addictions as well. Ultimately I believe the 12 step program is divinely inspired and I will continue to find my right path there. I need to quit wallowing in my crap. It was wrong to even live in the same house together as “just friends” because there’s really no such thing. Living together is an intimate setting. (I want to be married to him but he has to get his credit in order so we don’t lose everything.)

I have to stop feeding my emotions so I can live with myself. He may think I’m a fat ass…but I know I am. I have to live with it everyday. My clothes don’t fit. I die when I catch a reflection in the mirror. When I lay on my back I can hardly believe the buoyant cushion of my butt…like “ Am I laying on a pillow or what?” “Jeez if each check where just the whole thing I’d be doing okay.”My own 12 step OA program annoys me enough to understand how treatment programs can be such a turn -off for
him. Still I do what I have to do.

My spirituality has grown as I persevere. I am still at least 150 lbs under what I once weighed. So what is God telling me today? We are not perfect. We just do the best we can. We get back up and try again. And so I shall. Okay, I see there’s a meeting on Saturday that looks good so I will go try it to the best of my ability unless God shows me something better.

Yesterday something came up that I did have to call Joe about. He did answer his phone and he was helpful, loving and Joe. He was clear of mind. I will continue to pray that he finds his way and I will pray to not be critical of his mistakes. I pray that I will instinctively know the right things to say. I thank God for another day and another chance to find the best way to feel my feelings and learn to live life on life’s terms without becoming toxic.

-Jolene Jones is a Substance Abuse Case Manager for a Forensic ACT Team.
Her book Dwelling is on “Goodreads” for the month of April 2017.